An Open Letter to My Grandma

To my dearest Grandma in Heaven:

It has been three whole years.  Can you believe it?  Because I can’t.

I feel like it was just yesterday that you were still alive.  I feel like we were just in your car on the way to the park, making a pit stop to eat McDonald’s breakfast together.  The hotcakes were (and still are) my favorite.

I feel like it was just yesterday that we drove from Latrobe to Indiana to visit Kelly.  I feel like you just introduced me to my twin cousin Jessica.  Don’t worry, I do stay in touch with both of them.

I feel like it was just yesterday that we were sitting in the church pews together with you holding my hand.  You always had Winterfresh gum for me because I was always hungry before the church service was over.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I would fall asleep on your lap in the church pews.  And after church, we’d always go to Shop N’ Save to get foot-long hot dogs for lunch.

It feels like just yesterday that we were making homemade ham pot pie together in the kitchen.  You always let me help with the dough noodles.  That was (and still is) my favorite part.

I feel like I was just participating in the 4th of July Parade for the church with you and pappy watching proudly from the crowd.  Mom and dad have the picture you took with the polaroid hanging up on their fridge.

Weren’t we just on the way to Ohio to meet my cousin who I never knew I had?  Or wasn’t I just sitting in the backseat singing along to Christian songs with you on my way to Vacation Bible School?

Wasn’t it just yesterday when we watched game shows together in the living room, and always talked about how someday we’d go on The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune as a duo?  The Price is Right toured near Harrisburg and Kyle and I were going to go, but it wasn’t going to be the same since you weren’t with me.

Wasn’t it just yesterday when you taught me how to play a form of Gin Rummy, and I was asking you to play anytime we weren’t doing anything?  And those time when you played with Uncle Bum and Aunt Carrie and never let me play with the grown-ups so I was forced to watch The Sandlot in the living room for the millionth time?  Trust me, I have no complaints because The Sandlot is still one of my all-time favorites.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that we went to Idlewild Park, where we took train rides through Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?  Or when we rode the Tilt-A-Whirl together and I was mystified about how gravity forces you against the ride?

Wasn’t it just yesterday when you encouraged me to play basketball with your neighbor’s son or when you asked the neighbor if I could ride her horses?  I have a picture of those somewhere but they’re probably still in WV.

Wasn’t it just yesterday when we would play Bingo together, I won $500, and you would tease me about marrying the kid who brought me my french fries?

And yet, none of that happened yesterday.  I’m not a child anymore.  And you left this Earth to be with pappy, Uncle Rick and Angie three years ago today.

Just over three years ago was the last time that I talked to you, that I gave you a hug, that I held your hand, that I brought you flowers for your birthday.  I didn’t know at that time that that would be the last time I ever saw you.  

You were so concerned about me having to drive all the way back to Harrisburg by myself, when in reality there was nowhere else I would have rather been.  I knew you weren’t feeling one hundred percent, and I knew it had been quite some time since you felt that well.  I knew that the one place I had to be at that moment was by your side.

I didn’t know at that time about the dreams you were having, where you saw pappy and Uncle Rick again.  I didn’t know that only a few days later, you’d be lying in a hospital bed with tubes and machines surrounding you.  I didn’t know that I’d be driving out to Latrobe on Good Friday to say my goodbyes.  I didn’t know that I’d be the one to have to tell you that it was OK for you to go- that even though we needed you here on Earth, pappy, Uncle Rick, and Angie needed you more.  I had to tell you that even though we would be in pain because we missed you, that we would get through it together.

I went to the church after leaving the hospital to pray for you.  Pastor Ralph’s wife magically recognized me after not seeing me for at least 15 years.  I had been pacing around the church for at least ten minutes until they saw me.  The doors of the church were locked, but they let me in to pray for you.  Pastor Ralph stayed and prayed with me and held my hand at the same altar where I’d go up with pappy as a kid to pray.

Mom and I ate McDonald’s breakfast on the morning of your funeral at the top of the parking garage that I thought was so cool when I was younger- the same one you and pappy always drove me to after getting McDonald’s.  It was a cloudy morning and rain was in the forecast, but while we were at the top of the parking garage, the sun broke through.  Mom and I knew you were there.

I know you’ll never physically see this letter, but I hope and pray you somehow know it exists.  I need you to know how much I love and miss you.  I need you to know how sorry I am that I wasn’t around more often as I grew older.  I stopped coming up for the summers when I became a teenager, and even though I enjoyed those summers with my friends, I wish we could’ve spent more time together.

I long for one more card game, one more conversation, one more hug, one more laugh, one more adventure at Bingo, one more church service, one more smile.  However, I know these wishes aren’t feasible, at least not anytime in the near future.

So today I write to you in hopes that you’re proud of me.  In the years that you’ve been gone, I got engaged (to Kyle- I hope you remember him), we moved into two different apartments and just recently a house, Kyle and I got married, I started another new job, I received a few promotions/raises, we adopted a cute little pup named Oakley and I leased my first car.

Kyle is doing really well for himself, too.  He has a reliable car and a good job that he loves.  For only being 25, we’re both doing really well for ourselves.

Whenever I think of love, I think of you and pappy.  You were married for 60 years before pappy passed away.  I knew that whenever I said yes to Kyle’s proposal, we would have a love like yours and pappy’s.  I want you to know that I’m so truly happy, but I wish that you could have been at our wedding, to see our house, and to meet our puppy.

I’m sorry I don’t get to visit your last Earthly resting place as much as I’d like to.  But I did bury those bright blue flowers with you.  They survived through your funeral, which I never thought would happen in a million years.  They looked just as fresh as the day that I bought them for you.  I hope you liked them as much as I did.

And this is where I leave you.  It took me days to write this letter, years to even have the strength to write it to you.  So I’ll leave you with this- I love you so much, grandma.  I miss you dearly.  I hope I’ve made you proud.  Rest peacefully.

Love,

Emily

October: National Book Month

As you may know, October is National Book Month and everywhere bookworms are rejoicing!  Reading is one of my absolute favorite pastimes, not only because I get to immerse myself into another world to get away from real-world problems for a little while, but also because it’s relaxing (well, for the most part- I suppose it depends on what book I’m reading!).  In honor of National Book Month, I’d like to share with you what I’ve been reading so far this month.

Back in September, I started reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  I never finished it.  Never in my life have I stopped reading a book because I disliked it until now.  Okay, you caught me- with the exception of required novels during school, I have never stopped reading a book because I disliked it.  After a few weeks hiatus, I decided to give it another go.  I had only heard good things from people I know who have read it, so I really wanted to give it another chance, but I just couldn’t get past the strange first-person narrative with abnormally long paragraphs that held conversations within them rather than in separate paragraphs.

Maybe that’s because that’s what I’m used to when I read books- conversations being broken up into separate paragraphs for each person talking.  However, I realize that there is no “correct” way to write and that rules are meant to be broken when writing.  Even so, I placed the book back on my shelf last week for good.

I have been entranced with reading lately, however.  So late last week, after I set Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close aside, I decided to pick up an old book and visit some old friends.

Perhaps my desire to reread the Harry Potter series was due to the cool fall air (finally!) infiltrating the east coast.  Maybe it was because of the incessant previews for Freeform’s (many) Harry Potter weekends playing relentlessly on the TV.  Or, simply enough, perhaps it was because it has been several years since I’ve reread them in their entirety.  Regardless of the reason, I’m ecstatic about my decision to restart this journey.

I finished the Sorcerer’s Stone in just under six and a half hours, which must have been a personal record.  I believe it would have taken me less time if I didn’t have a full-time job and several other distractions (or responsibilities) that had to be completed prior to my reading binges.

Kyle came home from work Friday afternoon/early evening and could hardly believe I was on the last few pages of The Sorcerer’s Stone.  “How?!” he asked, astonished that I had somehow found the time to finish the book so quickly.  Without even asking, he went into our bedroom and grabbed The Chamber of Secrets from our bookshelf and laid it on the end table beside the couch where I was sitting at the time.  He just knew that I’d want to start the next book as soon as I was finished the first.  That, my friends, is true love.

Anyway, I started reading the Chamber of Secrets on Friday and I’m still currently reading it.  Not because I’m not interested in it or because it’s taking a long time to read- Kyle and I were just incredibly busy over the weekend so I had limited time to read.  But I’m truly enjoying every page of the series thus far and I’m loving it even more now than the first few times I read it.

Harry Potter holds a special place in my heart, and it remains high on my list of books that I love.  Rowling’s series is the first series that I can remember that truly inspired me to write.  Whether it was HP-related fan-fiction, online roleplaying (Neopets, anyone?) or even an original story of my own, I was writing almost every day when I was younger because I was so inspired.  I wanted to create a world as mystifying, extraordinary and magical (pun intended) as Rowling created.  It’s still my dream today.

I’ve realized over the past few weeks that maybe the reason I’m having difficulty writing anything of substance lately (creative writing, that is) is because I’ve been lacking inspiration.  I have been told that in times of severe writer’s block, I should revisit a favorite book’s world and find the reason why I wanted to write my own story in the first place.  Then, I should explore new worlds in the same genre that I’d like to write about and write down what makes them good and what makes me love them.  I’m currently on the first part of that with Harry Potter being my first stop.  I’m excited to see what happens while on this ride and what potential stories come out of it.

Now that you know what inspired me to begin writing and what I’m currently reading, I’d love to know what you’re currently reading (or rereading) and what’s on your list of books to read prior to year’s end.  Also, if there are any writers/authors out there, let me know what books truly captivated you and inspired you to write.  I’d love to discuss this with you and add to my list of books to read- and perhaps they’ll inspire me, too!

Until next time,

Emily

P.S.  If any of you are interested in my re-read of Harry Potter, check out the hashtag #EmilyrereadsHP on Twitter!

 

My Ideal Fall Weekend Getaway

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year.  The leaves changing, the various fall-scented candles, football, and cooler weather are all so appealing to me.  So what would be a better time of year to get away for the weekend to really enjoy the season?

If I had a chance to go on a weekend getaway this season with my husband, I would undoubtedly choose a small cabin in the woods (but not entirely secluded- I’ve seen too many Criminal Minds episodes).  Ideally, it would have a little fireplace, a cozy living room, one bedroom, and an eat-in kitchen.  It would be cozy but quaint, and it would have just enough room for two of us.

The cabin would be surrounded by beautiful red and orange leaves.  We would have the opportunity to go hiking one morning and see the foliage.  We’d spend the afternoon pumpkin or apple picking nearby.  We would eat a romantic, candle-lit dinner at the cabin.  We’d end the night by watching a rom-com while sipping on wine.  We’d talk about life, love, family, our hopes and dreams, where we want to be in 5 years, houses, kids, etc.  Maybe we’d even have enough time to sneak in a nap!

The weekend would end by cuddling and watching football together at home with my favorite pumpkin spice candle burning.

With that being said, what’s your ideal weekend getaway?  Is it similar to mine or do you prefer doing something different?  Let me know in the comments below!

Married, In Love, and…Not Pregnant?

Most of you now know that I got married in June.  It was the best day of my life and I’m truly lucky to be in love with my best friend.  But lately something has been bugging me, and I need to get it off my chest.

Ever since we got married, it has been the standard question of our friends/family/strangers who just found out that we got married to ask me if I’m pregnant and/or if Kyle and I are planning on having kids soon.  Don’t get me wrong- I’m excited to be a mom and experience something as wonderful as that.  But Kyle and I just got married in June.  Literally four months ago.  And right now, we both have agreed to just enjoy being married.

I know that the people asking this aren’t trying to be rude, mean, or nosey.  I mean, I understand why it’s a common question to ask after two people get married.  I love Kyle with my whole heart and I’m looking forward to the day we bring a little one into the world.  But right now, it’s nice to just enjoy each other’s company and what it means to be married.

When women get married, it’s not their duty to just pop out a child right away anymore.  It’s okay to wait a little while and to enjoy all the little things that come with marriage.  The spontaneous date nights, the weekends spent in pajamas, the freedom to take road trips to see family and friends a few hours away.  These are the things that I love enjoying right now and that would become more difficult when we have kids.

And frankly, I still have some growing up to do.  Being only 25, I feel like I still have a lot to learn about myself.  I feel like I’m still learning new things about Kyle, and I’ve known him for almost 5 years now!

When the time comes, I know it’ll be the most wonderful blessing, and it’s a day I truly look forward to.  But right now, our small family is perfect as it is.

Even though Kyle and I are choosing to wait a while before having kids, there is nothing wrong with having children right away, having children before marriage, or choosing not to have children at all.  All marriages, all families, and all families with children are beautiful and perfect.  No one should have to worry about what others may think or say because they’re doing things a little differently than others.

So if you just got married and are being asked about children, I want you to know that you aren’t alone.  I want you to know that it’s okay to wait.  I also want you to know that it’s okay to have children right away.  And if you’re not married and you’re pregnant, that’s okay too.  There is no standard right way to have a child, nor should there be, because everyone in this world is so vastly different and it’s okay to do things differently.  Don’t be afraid to be different.

Update on life

To those of you who read/liked my post earlier this week, thank you for the love!  It’s always hard starting up with writing again after a long hiatus, and you have given me more inspiration to consistently write.  Again, thank you.

Over the past few months that I have been MIA, I’ve actually been quite busy with life. I thought I’d share some updates with you as to what I’ve been up to so you get a little glimpse into my life.

• 5/20/17- Harrisburg Comic-Con: So, as an early wedding gift for my then-fiancé Kyle, I purchased tickets from a comic con in Harrisburg, PA.  This was only Harrisburg’s second year for doing a con, so it really wasn’t anything spectacular, but I wanted to go for the sake of getting photo ops with both David Ramsey and Matt Letscher who were two scheduled guests making appearances.  For more explanation as to who these actors are, David Ramsey plays John Diggle on Arrow, and Matt Letscher plays the Reverse Flash on The Flash.  Both of the panels were extraordinary.  David Ramsay’s panel was filled with non-stop laughter and Matt Letscher’s (who teamed up Michelle Harrison who plays Barry’s mom on the show) gave hints to the season finale.  Funnily enough, since this was my first con, I didn’t realize that when purchasing photo op tickets, you can have between two and four people in the photo per ticket.  I accidentally bought two photos per actor (aka four photos altogether), and even though I wasted more money than I should have, the results of the photo ops were incredible.   Oh, and one even blew up on Twitter!  Honestly, it was just a great experience, and I’d love to go back next year if they have other amazing guest stars in attendance.
• 6/3/17- I GOT MARRIED: What an incredibly amazing day.  I’m not sure that all of you know this, but I got engaged in May 2015 to my best friend, Kyle.  We had always planned on waiting two years to get married (i.e. to save money), so we planned our wedding for June 3, 2017.  It is insane how much planning goes into a wedding just to have that wedding fly by in a blink of an eye.  Co-workers, friends and loved ones joked with me prior to the big day saying that it was going to go by so quickly that I wasn’t even going to remember half of it.  I laughed with them, thinking they were wrong but boy were they right!!  I can’t even tell you much about what happened at my wedding, but I do remember a few details.  One, I completely forgot to wear my veil.  I didn’t notice until someone asked me about it after the ceremony as over.  Two, I wasn’t aware that in a Catholic wedding there are two times you are supposed to kiss your spouse.  I totally missed kissing Kyle the first time by giving him my cheek to kiss instead, resulting in both of us and our guests to burst out into laughter.  Three, we cut the wrong part of the cake at the reception (the top tier instead of the bottom).  Four, I was so dehydrated that I didn’t have one sip of alcohol (minus the toast)- I just chugged water.  Five, Kyle almost passed out several times because he hardly ate or drank anything the whole night.  Six, when we got back to the hotel, all we cared about was eating.  We had Wendy’s at 12:30 a.m. with my sister and brother-in-law.  Overall, it was an incredible day with silly little mishaps that just make me love it even more.  I hope you enjoy these pictures!

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• 6/4/17-6/10/17 Honeymooned in Myrtle: Our honeymoon in Myrtle was amazing.  We stayed at the Myrtle Beach Five Season Resort in the south Myrtle.  We went mini-golfing (I’m undefeated against Kyle for 4 years now), swimming in the ocean, running on the beach, exploring the boardwalk, adventuring at a water park, etc.  We saw Wonder Woman at a movie theater that allowed us to bring Coldstone in.  But there’s so much that we still want to do!  We already booked our anniversary trip for next year and we couldn’t be more excited!
  

  

  
• 6/17/17 Awesome Con: So this was never a part of our plan, but literally the weekend after we got back from our honeymoon, my sister texted me saying for her birthday they were going to Awesome Con in DC.  Kyle and I couldn’t say no, especially because David Tennant and John Barrowman were going to be there!  My sister lived in NOVA, so we drove to a metro station, hopped on a train, and got there around 10:30 a.m.  The line was outrageous and the crowds even more so once we got indoors.  Sadly, Tennant’s photo op was sold out and we got into the venue too late so we missed his panel.  But we did get a picture with John Barrowman (I only bought one photo this time!) and that was incredible.  Towards the end of the day, however, we did get to see David Tennant from afar, and Kyle got to meet some of the voice actors for Dragon Ball Super and My Hero Academia.  Despite the lines and the crowds, it was a great day.  (Side note: I don’t think I’d survive at San Diego.)
• 7/8/17 Wedding in Bethany: Bethany, West Virginia holds such a wonderful place in my heart.  Bethany College is my alma mater, and it’s also where I met Kyle.  We got to travel back only a month after our wedding to celebrate with friends of ours at their wedding.  Bethany weather has such a big reputation for being strange (i.e. hailed at my graduation in 2014, thunder-stormed at Kyle’s in 2015), and this day was no exception.  It was gloomy all morning and eventually started drizzling just prior to the ceremony.  By the end of the ceremony, the temperature rose at least 10 degrees and the sun was beating down on all of us.  It was definitely nice catching up with our friends, as well as the other guests sitting at our assigned table who we had never met/don’t get to talk to that often.
• 8/11/17-8/13/17 Delaware Beach Trip: Kyle’s aunt lives in Delaware, so we attempt to make a beach trip, even just for a weekend, each summer to visit her and her partner.  This trip was more fun than past year’s trips because Kyle’s mom was finally able to come along.  We celebrated both Kyle’s Aunt Marty’s birthday, as well as his mom Nancy’s birthdays while we were down there.  One evening, we went to the boardwalk and played in an arcade for probably almost an hour.  We didn’t realize so many quarters equaled so many turns in skeeball and before you knew it, we were playing skeeball for at least 20 minutes.  Kyle, Kyle’s brother Alex and I all walked away with small nerf guns as prizes after trading in our tickets.  One thing you should know about Kyle and Alex is that they love playing jokes on people.  Kyle had the brilliant idea to use the nerf guns against Marty once we got home from the boardwalk, and that’s just what we did.  The next morning, Kyle woke his mom up by saying there was a fire, woke Marty up by holding a stool over her head jokingly, and I woke up Alex by running and jumping on him.  It was a great time.
• 9/2/17-9/3/17 Moving Alex to college: Kyle’s little brother is finally in college!  He is attending Pace University in New York City for theater set design and he absolutely loves it so far.  Moving him up to college was a challenge, though.  1. Kyle and I drove up separately from his mom, dad, and brother.  We drove up Friday night right after work and we got into the city with no problems just after 9:00 p.m.  By the time we got to the hotel, it was 45 minutes and an anxiety attack later.  I hate driving in big cities, but New York is on another level.  We almost got hit by a taxi and it was impossible to turn left onto the street with the hotel because of a fire blocking off three roads.  In short, it was a mess, but we somehow, finally, made it there.  2. Alex and his mom were at a Broadway show when we arrived, so we just hung out in the hotel room until they got back.  Alex talked our ears off about the show and then said he was leaving but he’d be back later.  Fast forward to 45 minutes later when I woke up in a panic and Alex wasn’t back yet.  I texted him asking him where he was, in which he responded Times Square by himself.  I yelled at him through the messages saying that he was never allowed to go there by himself in the middle of the night (by this point it was close to 1:00 a.m.) just to find out he was in his mom’s room all along.  I told you Kyle and Alex like to play jokes.  Anyway, I told my in-laws and Kyle that I’m never having kids because Alex stressed me out too much.  The rest of the weekend went smoothly.  We all ate breakfast together before helping Alex move into his dorm, and after lunch, we grabbed our car from a parking garage and headed home.
• 9/15/17-9/17/17 Birthday Celebrations: I turned 25 this year, and boy do I feel like it.  I have aches and pains like I’m 25 going on 80.  However, the weekend of my birthday was so much fun.  I ate dinner at a restaurant called Black N Bleu, where I had the firehouse pasta that was to die for.  I received Kyle’s gift that night, too.  So, you all know the trending facebook videos of the people in the t-rex costumes doing ridiculous things?  I am now the proud owner of one!  I told Kyle I want to go running around the neighborhood around Halloween with it on to see everyone’s reactions.  The following day, we went for a morning hike with some friends, following Kyle accidentally hitting a curb and popping his tire.  After hiking, he went and got that fixed and we relaxed all afternoon until dinner with family at Chili’s (their chips and salsa, in my opinion, is out of this world).  Later, we met up with friends at a local winery and had a few drinks and chatted about life and Game of Thrones, which we marathoned on Sunday.
• 9/23/17-9/24/17 Love Celebrations: My brother and his fiance got engaged back in May, and this weekend we celebrated with them.  Kyle is one of my brother’s groomsmen and he and the rest of the groomsmen went to a place called “Top Golf” which is essentially a driving range but you get points each time you hit a golf ball.  The girls, my sister included, hung out at his fiance’s house as we drank good wine and talked everything wedding.  It ended with the guys meeting up with the girls at my future sister-in-law’s place and we ended the night playing Jenga.

Let me know in the comments below about any funny wedding mishaps that happened at your wedding or a wedding you attended, your birthday celebrations or really anything else you’d like to share what happened to you over the past few months.

Until next time,

Emily

Writing Prompt Wednesday: Perspective at a Funeral

**Disclaimer: This is a writing prompt I found off of Pinterest.  This is all original work, so please do not alter or copy any of the details included.  Thanks!

I never thought I’d be dead at the age of 23.  I guess that’s what texting and driving gets you.  My guess is I look pretty bad considering I’m in a closed coffin.

I looked to my left at what my hand was touching.  Someone must have seen me at some point because my older sister’s college graduation photo is beside me.  And beautiful flowers are lying to my right.  Lilies.  White lilies, my absolute favorite.  I wonder who gave me these?  It’s nice of them to put me six feet under with my favorite flowers to keep me company.

Wait, what was I texting about anyway?  What was so important that I couldn’t wait?  What was so important that it landed me here, in my very own coffin?  My eyes diverted to the top of the coffin and I realized- James.  A picture of James was taped to the top of my coffin immediately in my eyesight.  I was texting James, letting him know I was five minutes from the flower shop and- oh no!!  I was only a few months away from getting married.  No, God no…poor James!  He must have waited for me for hours before realizing that I was never showing up- I can’t believe I did this to him.

I heard a sniffle immediately outside my coffin as a voice drenched in sadness whispered into the dark walnut, “I will always love you.”  It was James.

“I love you too, James, and I’m so sorry!  Please forgive me!”  No matter how much I yelled or screamed, he was never going to hear me.  I wanted nothing more than to hold him, but no matter how much I wanted that to be true, I was never going to be able to hold him again.

It was then that I looked down at my clothing and saw they (James, my parents, Hallie?) had buried me in my wedding dress…the one that I wasn’t supposed to wear for another two months.

“Casey,” a gentle voice outside my coffin said.  “Why did you have to do this?  James needed you, your father needed you, I needed you?  Why couldn’t you just wait five more minutes?”  My heart shattered- well, figuratively, because I’m not even sure I have a heart anymore, and if I do, it sure as hell isn’t working.

It was my mom’s voice I was hearing now.  Her small, disappointed and heartbroken speech was interrupted by hysterical crying.  It’s my assumption that my dad came and got her and took her to her seat.

My assumption was confirmed as only a few minutes (were they minutes? hours?) later, I heard a rough, deep voice talking to me.

“Casey, what were you thinking?  Why couldn’t you just wait?  Your mom- well she’s drinking again and your sister won’t even return our calls.  She’s too upset to even-.  You were only-well, James is a mess.  I’ve never seen him look more thin.  I don’t think he’ll ever love- well, I love you, Case…Heaven better be good to you.”

Heaven.  Wait.  Why wasn’t I in heaven?  Did I do something wrong?  Did I sin too often and not ask for forgiveness enough?  Why am I still here?

Minutes passed as I heard voices I could barely recognize, voices of my best friends, and those of people I had fallings out with, talking to me about how they’ll miss me, how I impacted their lives, how sorry they were that we had fallen apart.

Now the preacher was going on how it was my time, how God had a plan for me, and that no one should worry as I was in God’s kingdom now.  Little do they know that I’m here, trapped in this box, listening to every word they say.

After an hour (or was it minutes?) of the preacher talking, the crowd singing hymnals and speeches of those individuals closest to me (except James who I can only assume is so heartbroken he couldn’t bear to talk to me), I felt the coffin lift up.  I must be getting carried to the neighboring cemetery.  I guess it’s time for them to lower me into the ground.

James decided to speak at the cemetery.  He went on about how I was his better half and how I truly cared about the people in my life and how I always made him laugh and how I was his soulmate….and lastly, how broken-hearted he was because I will never share his last name.  A dream cut short by merely two months.

It was truly beautiful.  I wish I could cry.

I guess the speeches are over because an obnoxious hum filled my ears, one that could only be the machine that the church has to lower the deceased six feet under.

Suddenly, I heard a feint “Wait!  Wait!  Don’t lower her yet!” off in the distance, somehow over the loud machine that had begun lowering me into my final physical resting place.

The yells got louder and finally the machine turned off.  My sister’s voice was clear to me now.  Hallie- she came!  After everything- our constant bickering, her silent treatment of mom and dad, her never having the chance to stand next to me on my wedding day as my Maid of Honor.

And it was then that I realized I was waiting for closure from her- my best friend and oldest confidant, Hallie- before I could make way to Heaven.  She was the person who had been missing, since I heard from everyone else.

She said a few words on her journey to even get to the cemetery (losing her keys, missing the turn, traffic- ironically caused by a car accident)  but also how she couldn’t let me go before saying goodbye.

“Goodbye, Casey,” she said as I heard dirt fall onto my coffin.

“Goodbye, Hallie,” I wanted to whisper but nothing came out.  Instead, the coffin disappeared and everything went silent.  Finally, I saw a light in front of me with hundreds of individuals ushering me towards them.

I walked into the white light and was greeted and embraced by deceased grandparents and those family members I never had a chance to meet.

I was home.

24 and Thankful

“Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege denied to many.”

Today I woke up a little happier, a little peppier, and a little more thankful for waking up than I do on a normal day.  And today isn’t a normal day- today at approximately 6:32 p.m., I turned 24.  But I want to illustrate that I’m not only happier/peppier/thankful because it’s my birthday, but because these past few weeks while gearing up for a medical malpractice trial, it has really put my life in perspective.

As a legal assistant/paralegal to medical malpractice lawyers, your main job is to summarize medical records and learning to balance that with your other duties such as scheduling, sending legal documents to courts, etc.  And these past few weeks, after summarizing medical records that pertained to the trial that I’ve been at for most of this week (yes, including today) really got me thinking.  There are so many people out there in the world, wishing for one more day, one more ice cream cone, one more dance, one more birthday, one more kiss, and here I am getting upset over mundane things that I won’t even remember in a year’s time.

My life is not perfect by any means: I’m not in the career field that I had dreamed of since I was 7 years old, I’m living paycheck to paycheck, and I tend to rack up medical bills for stomach issues that doctors can’t seem to figure out.  But despite these few negatives going on in my life, I have so many more positives to be thankful for.  For instance, as of today, I have spent 24 years on this Earth.  I have an incredibly loving and hilarious fiancé who I can’t wait to marry in June and who I’m lucky enough to wake up to each and every day.  We pay our bills on time and can afford a decent apartment.  I have so many wonderful friends and family members in my life, and so many of those people reached out to me today to let me know they were thinking of me.  I have parents who would bend over backwards for me and always talk me up when I’m feeling down.  And these are only a few of the great things happening in my life right now.

And as a 24 year old, I’m still trying to figure life out.  But that’s okay.  You’re not supposed to have life figured out while you’re in your twenties.  And even though I know that life will have its ups and downs, right now I should always focus on those positives I listed above.  Because there are so many individuals in this world who are struggling with finding a job, who are in terrible relationships, and who have parents who never put their children first (no matter the age).  And there are those who may not live another day, whose last breath may be today, due to diseases that still haven’t been cured.  I ache for those people, their friends and most importantly their families.  Today, I am thankful because, besides my irritating stomach issues, I’m a healthy 24 year old with a wonderful family, a loving fiancé, and a life that actually isn’t as bad as I make it out to be sometimes.  And I pray every day that I continue to grow old, because some other individuals aren’t so lucky.

So for this next year I spend on this Earth, I hope that my positivity continues to improve, I stop getting mad at the little things, and that I live life to the fullest instead of wishing my days away.

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”

 

Throwback Thursday: My childhood love

“To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow.  So do it.”

-Kurt Vonnegut

It was a very chilly Tuesday or Thursday in October 12 years ago when I received an interesting phone call from my best friend, Heather.  She called to see if I would be interested in going to a karate class with her just to watch and to see if I would be interested in joining if I liked it enough.  She said she had gone for the past week and a half and loved it, and she thought I would like it, too.  That was the beginning of it all.

At that time, I was a very shy girl.  I was only 10, I only had a few close friends who I hung out with, and I mainly kept to myself unless someone spoke to me, in which case I answered in a mousy voice.  I looked down when I walked because I wasn’t confident enough to look at people who passed me by.  I didn’t know how I would like being surrounded by complete strangers, but I thought I’d give it a chance because I always thought karate sounded cool.

I got the OK from my parents, even though I was supposed to stay home and help unpack since we recently moved into another house.  Heather picked me up on her way to the dojo (place of practice; gym or school) and we were on our way!

When we got there, I was a little confused.  We showed up to a house in my development and I didn’t quite understand how there was a karate gym in the house.  But sure enough, there was a small one in the basement, and the house was actually owned by a married couple who also participated in karate.  When you entered the basement, there was an area for shoes over to the right and a line of chairs for parents and smaller children to the left.  I took my seat and mainly sat quietly with Heather’s mom Donna while Heather participated.  I immediately fell in love with the style.  I loved everything they did, from their katas (free forms) to their kicks and punches.  I knew that I had to participate.  This was also the first night that I spoke with my Sensei (teacher).

Sensei Donna walked up to me after class and asked if I felt like this would be something I would want to do, and explained the cost and everything with the style.  She also explained everything that makes this style of karate and the school itself unique.  I barely responded to her honestly because I was so shy, but I believed everything she was saying.  I went home that night to speak to my parents and they agreed to let me join temporarily to see if I liked it.  But I fell even more in love once I started, and the rest I suppose is history.

I went through a lot of ups and downs during my 11 years of practice.  They saw me in the most awkward time of my life and still treated me the same.  They became family.  It soon became my outlet whenever I was upset with family issues or stressed over schoolwork.  I somehow managed to do both karate and track/cross-country for a few years, because I refused to give up two things that I loved so much.  I worked my ass off and helped one of my friends get her black belt at 16, the youngest my school would allow students to test for black belt.  When she took her test, she was tested in our dojo here and we had to film it to send it to the head of the style who is located in Nevada.  At the time I was only a yellow belt, and he complimented my style, technique, precision, strength, hard work and discipline, all of which he saw from the video, and I still see that as one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received.

A lot changed during those 11 years.  I saw many faces come and go, as many students either gave up or couldn’t afford to spend the time or money with the style.  We moved from the small basement to a renovated community building.  I saw many people push through the pain of breaking wood.  I saw several of my friends get over their mind block and pass their tests to get the next belt.  I helped many people advance by helping teach, something that was relatively new to me and completely different to who I used to be.

Truth is, I completely changed during my time practicing karate.  I’m no longer that small, scared little girl who looked down when walking/spoken to/or when speaking to someone.  My confidence grew because of karate.  When other people, especially my Sensei, believed in me, I began to believe in myself.  Some of the younger students even began looking up to me, and that brought so much joy to my heart.  I’m so happy that my love and passion for this sport showed through my performance so that those younger kids felt they could look up to me and want to be like me.  And I feel like this is one of my greatest accomplishments.

In my post from Tuesday, you learned that I’m no longer in West Virginia where my karate school is.  One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to tell them that I was leaving, and I didn’t know when I would be back.  It was different when I went to college; I had breaks throughout the year and summer to count on to work my butt off for 3 1/2 hours every Tuesday and Thursday.  This time I would try to come back as often as I could, but I couldn’t guarantee many visits.  I cried when I told them I was leaving, and I completely lost it when I told my Sensei, who has done more for me in my life than a lot of people have.

As of two or so weeks ago, I found out that my Sensei was closing the dojo.  Things are getting pretty tight with money, and there are some personal things going on in her life that she has to focus on.  I can’t blame her.  I really can’t.  And I don’t.  But seeing that status right before I went to bed broke my heart.  I couldn’t believe that something that meant so much to me and that changed my life so much for the better was suddenly disappearing.  Whenever I come home, it won’t be there.  If I feel like stopping by to work out (I have the code for the building), I won’t be able to anymore.  But I was kindly reminded by my wonderful boyfriend while I was hysterically crying, it’s just a building.  Sure, it holds a lot of precious memories and was basically a place where I grew up, but it’s just that; a place.  I still hold all of those memories within my heart.  The people will be around.  I have most of their numbers or are at least friends with them on Facebook so I can keep in touch.  Whenever I go back to West Virginia, I’ll can always make plans to meet up with them.  So the dojo is gone, but the people aren’t.

I am so completely blessed to have known so many wonderful people during my time practicing karate, and I’ll always hold them close to my heart.  I’m incredibly blessed to have such an amazing family.

The featured image is an old picture that was taken of the adult class the last night before I went to college for my freshman year.  I’m the fourth girl from the left.  The girl not in uniform is my best friend, Heather.  She had some health issues and stopped participating, but I wouldn’t have become who I am today without her calling me up that night and asking me if I wanted to go watch.  The girl directly beside me to the right is the girl who I helped test for her black belt.  The woman at the end on the left is my wonderful Sensei, my second mom, my friend, my mentor, my hero.  I’ll never forget what she taught me, both in karate and in life.

After I learned the news about my dojo closing down, I obviously texted Donna to see how she was holding up and I asked her if there was anything else I could do for her, considering everything she had done for me over the past 12 years.  Her response brought tears to my eyes.  It’s always nice knowing how much you mean to someone and that you’re the reason why they feel successful.

Here are some pictures from my last class before my freshman year of college.  I wish I had more recent pictures for you, but sadly I can’t find any.

My best friend Heather and I. My two friends Lindsey (left) and Vikki (right).Mr. Dave, who always brightened my days with his smile.

Boz (middle), who was like my brother.  Funnily enough, he knows both of my brothers and worked with my mom, so I’ve actually known him since I was about 7 or 8.  Adrian (right) is Mr. Dave’s (above) son, and he grew up to be so well disciplined from karate.  I’m happy to say he’s like the little brother I never had.  I always loved sparring him!

Last but not least, Donna.  My Sensei.  One of the most wonderful and kind people I have ever met, and did anything and everything she could to help me out as best as she could.

Because Donna is having such a rough time, one of the more recent additions to my dojo family, Sarah, created this page to donate money to help her out during this rough period of her life, and to say thank you for everything she has done for us.  If you even have just a dollar, every donation would help.  Don’t feel like you have to donate anything.  I don’t want to pressure you.  But I do hope you understand how important karate is to me, and how Donna has changed me and my life for the better.  The link is here for you to look at.  If you don’t want to donate or don’t have the money, don’t feel like you have to.  I won’t be upset if you don’t donate.

If you read all the way through this, thank you.  I hope that you’ll share a story about something that you love as much as I love karate, or a sport that you were as passionate about, or even just about a family that you gained that has improved your life for the better.

Thankful Tuesday: My Parents

I’ve always been thankful for my parents.  However, a couple of recent events in the lives of people who I’m close to realized how truly lucky I really am.  My parents are not even close to being perfect.  They’ve made their fair share of mistakes, just like every other parent and person on this Earth.  But they’ve done plenty of things for me and my siblings that I’m realizing not every other parent in this world does.  And for these reasons, I’m extremely thankful.

1. Paid my way through college:  I graduated almost a year ago from a small, private, liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere, West Virginia.  I was accepted into two out of three of the schools where I applied, and this private college was more pricey than the other one that I was accepted into.  My parents told me to not let the prices affect my decision and that I should go wherever I wanted to and we would figure out the financial decisions after.  One specific college offered me a $9,000 merit scholarship each year, on top of several other grants and another in state scholarship special to West Virginia.  Those lowered the cost of tuition by more than half, so we covered the last half with loans and some help from my parents.  Now my parents didn’t have to help me pay for school, but they did, even on top of paying for my sister’s loans that they took out to help pay.  During school, I met many people who didn’t have the luxury of having any help from their parents, or just a slim amount, and that’s when I realized I’m so lucky to have parents who are willing to help out as much as they possibly can.
2. My dad took out his retirement money to help me: Continuing on with the topic of money, my mom quit her job the summer before my senior year at college.  She was mistreated and overworked, and the job was practically killing her anyway, so it’s both a good and bad thing that she’s not working there any longer.  She didn’t have a job lined up when she quit, nor did she ever find one, so that made it tough on my dad who made twice as less than my mom made.  She was the breadwinner of the family, and my dad had to somehow figure out how to support our family on barely a $30,000-$40,000 income.  Before my final semester at my college, we received a letter about how much money I owed the school, and how I would need to pay it before I was allowed to start my spring semester classes.  I freaked out.  I didn’t want money to be the reason I couldn’t finish college, especially when I only had a semester left.  We thought there was something we could do with financial aid, since my situation had changed (aka my mom losing her job when she was the breadwinner of the family and my dad somehow trying to figure out how to pay my tuition on top of paying the bills and buying food in order to survive), but since we had already turned in the financial aid application, there was nothing they could do.  We even tried to get my dad’s dad to cosign on a loan with me, but that fell through as well because he wouldn’t sign anything electronically and that was the only way it would work.  My dad, being as selfless and amazing as he is, decided to take out his retirement money to pay off my final semester.  He didn’t have to, but he did, because he wanted me to be able to pursue my dreams, which unfortunately can only be done with a college degree nowadays.  I don’t know many other people who would give up their retirement money just to help out their kid, but I’m so fortunate for my dad to do that for me so I could continue on working toward my dreams.
3. They’re always there for me: I know several people who can’t count on their parents for anything, and I’m lucky to have ones that will always have my back.  There was a time in December when I lost faith in ever finding a job.  I was beginning to think that I would be stuck at a catering company/part-time job for the rest of my life, barely making enough money to pay my loans, let alone bills that I still haven’t taken on (but will need to once I start making a set salary at my new job).  I called my parents hysterically crying, ranting about everything that was setting me back from my dreams, and my dad just kept telling me that these were little roadblocks and that things would start looking up if I just stayed positive.  He explained that it’s difficult to stay positive in these times, especially because he knows that I need the money and they can’t do anything to help since they’re barely scraping by, but eventually something would come around and I’d be right back up on my feet again.  He also said that taking a full-time job that wasn’t in my field isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  It’ll give me experience and more money to live comfortably.  I can also keep looking for my dream job while I work at a full-time job so I don’t give up on my dreams.  He explained that I’m only 22, so just because I’m not where I want to be yet doesn’t mean I won’t get there and that I still have the rest of my life ahead of me.  All of this was difficult to understand because he ended up getting stuck at a job where he still is after 25 years and he hates it, but he told me that as long as I keep pushing toward my dreams, I’ll get there.  I wouldn’t have calmed down without his advice, and I wouldn’t have taken a job at a law firm without it, either, because I would still be close-minded to jobs only in my field.  It might take me a while to get to my dream job, but at least I’ll be making money in the process of getting there.  But anyway, I know that whenever I need to talk to my parents, they’ll always be there to listen to me and I’m very thankful for that.
4. They’re helping me move:  Basically, I moved up to Pennsylvania a while ago, but I didn’t want to change my address and everything until I got a full-time job in the state.  Because I have that full-time job now, I need to change my address, get a new ID, get my license plate changed, get my car inspected, etc. etc. etc.  I never realized how much of a pain it was to move, and now I’m slowly realizing that it’s a lot of work.  In order to get my car inspected, I have to get new tires because they’re so dull that they wouldn’t pass inspection.  My parents are in the process of selling their house and in order to close on that house but until it closes, they have still been paying the mortgage.  They offered after it closes and they get some money, they would be willing to help pay for any fees I may encounter while switching everything over and also to help pay for new tires.  I have some friends whose parents leave them up to figure everything out on their own, so I’m especially thankful that my parents still offer to help until I start making a good salary so I can pay for everything on my own.

There are plenty of other reasons why I’m thankful for my parents, but these are the big ones that are currently prevalent in my life.  I hope that anyone who reads this will appreciate their parents for everything that they’ve done for you.  And if your parents haven’t done anything for you, I hope that you’re thankful for someone in your life who has at least helped you find your footing to get set on the right path.

Monday Lit Circle: Heaven Has No Regrets

Hey everyone!

I hope you all had a great Monday, despite it being a Monday.  Anyway, today is lit circle day!  So now I’m going to talk about a book I actually just finished reading late last week which is the inspiration to my reconnection with writing/blogging.  The book is called Heaven Has No Regrets and it’s written by the amazing Tessa Shaffer!

It isn’t a well known novel…yet. Once she gets more publicity, I have no doubt in my mind that people across the country will be reading it.  It tells the coinciding stories of two best friends and cousins who are both battling diseases.  It’s a story about love, living life to its fullest and having no regrets.  It definitely has some religious aspects to it due to Tessa’s religious background.  The book is based on a heartbreaking but magnificent true story, one that I feel many people can relate to in some way.  If this sounds like something you would like to read (you definitely should!!), check out the website for the book, the amazon link where you can buy it and the book’s facebook, twitter, and instagram so you can stay up to date with Tessa and her book!

In case you can’t tell from what I said above, I actually know Tessa personally.  Even still, I stay true to my word about always being honest on what I actually think about a book.  Heaven Has No Regrets was incredibly hard to read because of some of the content (if you read it you’ll know what I mean).  But that doesn’t make it a terrible book; that just makes it much more honest.  Life isn’t easy, and it certainly wasn’t for the characters Makenzie and Faith.  Not only could I relate to the characters in one way or another but I could basically feel their pain pouring through the open pages.  It discussed real issues that many people are affected by all around the world.

It was one of those books that you don’t know what to do with yourself once you’ve finished reading it.  I figured out what I should do after reading the acknowledgements, and that was to start writing.

In the acknowledgements at the ending, Tessa lists many people she knows personally who helped her not only write her book but also those who helped her get through one of the roughest parts of her life.  But in those acknowledgements she also says to “just write” no matter what it’s about or who it’s for or however long it is.  And that is exactly why I’m sitting in front of my computer right now at 10:22 PM on a Monday evening writing this.  I already told her personally, but thank you again, Tessa, (I know you’ll eventually read this…once I give you the link to my blog :P) for inspiring me to start writing again, since it’s the thing I love doing the most in this world.  And thank you again for sharing your story.  Your courage inspires me, and I hope to one day be as courageous as you.

Anyway, any of the few people out there who happen to somehow come across this and take the time to read it and are also bookworms, please go check out all of Tessa’s social media and please consider buying her book!

Until tomorrow!