An Open Letter to My Grandma

To my dearest Grandma in Heaven:

It has been three whole years.  Can you believe it?  Because I can’t.

I feel like it was just yesterday that you were still alive.  I feel like we were just in your car on the way to the park, making a pit stop to eat McDonald’s breakfast together.  The hotcakes were (and still are) my favorite.

I feel like it was just yesterday that we drove from Latrobe to Indiana to visit Kelly.  I feel like you just introduced me to my twin cousin Jessica.  Don’t worry, I do stay in touch with both of them.

I feel like it was just yesterday that we were sitting in the church pews together with you holding my hand.  You always had Winterfresh gum for me because I was always hungry before the church service was over.  I feel like it was just yesterday when I would fall asleep on your lap in the church pews.  And after church, we’d always go to Shop N’ Save to get foot-long hot dogs for lunch.

It feels like just yesterday that we were making homemade ham pot pie together in the kitchen.  You always let me help with the dough noodles.  That was (and still is) my favorite part.

I feel like I was just participating in the 4th of July Parade for the church with you and pappy watching proudly from the crowd.  Mom and dad have the picture you took with the polaroid hanging up on their fridge.

Weren’t we just on the way to Ohio to meet my cousin who I never knew I had?  Or wasn’t I just sitting in the backseat singing along to Christian songs with you on my way to Vacation Bible School?

Wasn’t it just yesterday when we watched game shows together in the living room, and always talked about how someday we’d go on The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune as a duo?  The Price is Right toured near Harrisburg and Kyle and I were going to go, but it wasn’t going to be the same since you weren’t with me.

Wasn’t it just yesterday when you taught me how to play a form of Gin Rummy, and I was asking you to play anytime we weren’t doing anything?  And those time when you played with Uncle Bum and Aunt Carrie and never let me play with the grown-ups so I was forced to watch The Sandlot in the living room for the millionth time?  Trust me, I have no complaints because The Sandlot is still one of my all-time favorites.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that we went to Idlewild Park, where we took train rides through Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?  Or when we rode the Tilt-A-Whirl together and I was mystified about how gravity forces you against the ride?

Wasn’t it just yesterday when you encouraged me to play basketball with your neighbor’s son or when you asked the neighbor if I could ride her horses?  I have a picture of those somewhere but they’re probably still in WV.

Wasn’t it just yesterday when we would play Bingo together, I won $500, and you would tease me about marrying the kid who brought me my french fries?

And yet, none of that happened yesterday.  I’m not a child anymore.  And you left this Earth to be with pappy, Uncle Rick and Angie three years ago today.

Just over three years ago was the last time that I talked to you, that I gave you a hug, that I held your hand, that I brought you flowers for your birthday.  I didn’t know at that time that that would be the last time I ever saw you.  

You were so concerned about me having to drive all the way back to Harrisburg by myself, when in reality there was nowhere else I would have rather been.  I knew you weren’t feeling one hundred percent, and I knew it had been quite some time since you felt that well.  I knew that the one place I had to be at that moment was by your side.

I didn’t know at that time about the dreams you were having, where you saw pappy and Uncle Rick again.  I didn’t know that only a few days later, you’d be lying in a hospital bed with tubes and machines surrounding you.  I didn’t know that I’d be driving out to Latrobe on Good Friday to say my goodbyes.  I didn’t know that I’d be the one to have to tell you that it was OK for you to go- that even though we needed you here on Earth, pappy, Uncle Rick, and Angie needed you more.  I had to tell you that even though we would be in pain because we missed you, that we would get through it together.

I went to the church after leaving the hospital to pray for you.  Pastor Ralph’s wife magically recognized me after not seeing me for at least 15 years.  I had been pacing around the church for at least ten minutes until they saw me.  The doors of the church were locked, but they let me in to pray for you.  Pastor Ralph stayed and prayed with me and held my hand at the same altar where I’d go up with pappy as a kid to pray.

Mom and I ate McDonald’s breakfast on the morning of your funeral at the top of the parking garage that I thought was so cool when I was younger- the same one you and pappy always drove me to after getting McDonald’s.  It was a cloudy morning and rain was in the forecast, but while we were at the top of the parking garage, the sun broke through.  Mom and I knew you were there.

I know you’ll never physically see this letter, but I hope and pray you somehow know it exists.  I need you to know how much I love and miss you.  I need you to know how sorry I am that I wasn’t around more often as I grew older.  I stopped coming up for the summers when I became a teenager, and even though I enjoyed those summers with my friends, I wish we could’ve spent more time together.

I long for one more card game, one more conversation, one more hug, one more laugh, one more adventure at Bingo, one more church service, one more smile.  However, I know these wishes aren’t feasible, at least not anytime in the near future.

So today I write to you in hopes that you’re proud of me.  In the years that you’ve been gone, I got engaged (to Kyle- I hope you remember him), we moved into two different apartments and just recently a house, Kyle and I got married, I started another new job, I received a few promotions/raises, we adopted a cute little pup named Oakley and I leased my first car.

Kyle is doing really well for himself, too.  He has a reliable car and a good job that he loves.  For only being 25, we’re both doing really well for ourselves.

Whenever I think of love, I think of you and pappy.  You were married for 60 years before pappy passed away.  I knew that whenever I said yes to Kyle’s proposal, we would have a love like yours and pappy’s.  I want you to know that I’m so truly happy, but I wish that you could have been at our wedding, to see our house, and to meet our puppy.

I’m sorry I don’t get to visit your last Earthly resting place as much as I’d like to.  But I did bury those bright blue flowers with you.  They survived through your funeral, which I never thought would happen in a million years.  They looked just as fresh as the day that I bought them for you.  I hope you liked them as much as I did.

And this is where I leave you.  It took me days to write this letter, years to even have the strength to write it to you.  So I’ll leave you with this- I love you so much, grandma.  I miss you dearly.  I hope I’ve made you proud.  Rest peacefully.

Love,

Emily

A Reflection of 2015 and the One Thing I’m Leaving Behind

The last few hours of a year are filled with people around the world reminiscing upon the variety of memories that took place over the previous twelve months.  On social media, I’ve seen many negative posts about how 2015 was the worst year that people experienced.  While I can almost relate to that sentiment (believe me, I have a list of things that happened in my life that I could add to the negative stigma surrounding 2015), I also have many blessings to be thankful for this year that I would like to reflect upon instead in an attempt to end 2015 on the most positive note as possible.

1. I got engaged.  That’s a pretty big deal.  I’m only 23 (22 at the time of the proposal) which I know some people will say is young, but that just gives me more time to spend with the love of my life.  I’m not giving up any freedom by getting married young (which, actually, we’re waiting until 2017 and I’ll be just shy of 25- which isn’t young in my opinion); instead, I’ll have more opportunities to experience new things with my best friend.  I’m truly thankful to have found someone so young that is always so wonderful to me.
2. I moved out (officially) of my parent’s house and am living in an apartment with my fiance.  Whenever I was young, I made a promise to my parents that once I moved out, I would only come back to visit-my siblings had a tendency to move out and move back in and I didn’t want to do the same thing as them.  So, I’ve been living in Pennsylvania unofficially since June of 2014 when I got a part-time job in PA after graduating college (it was the only place that would hire me).  I didn’t want to make the big jump of switching my license, insurance, and everything else until I received a full-time job.  I started full time at a job through a temp agency back in March, became full time through the company in June, and by June 30th, Kyle and I moved into our new apartment together and I am now a Pennsylvania resident.  I’m proud to say that (so far) I’ve fulfilled that promise I made when I was young.
3. I have always paid bills on time.  Bills suck.  I would give anything to be a child again to live carelessly and not worry so much about money.  However, since I’ve been on my own (in the sense of being independent from my parents), I’ve paid every bill I’ve had on time- sometimes even early- including student loans, which I can now say I’ve paid on time every month for a year as of this December.  Even though money is tight and sometimes I don’t get to do the things I want to do/spend it on a spending spree on desperately needed new clothes, I’m lucky to be able to say that I’ve always had enough money to put food on the table and pay my bills this year.
4. I got a full-time position at a well-respected defense law firm.  Before mid-March, I was working at a catering company as a server part time and wasn’t making very much money at all.  In March, I accepted a full-time position at a law firm as a transcriptionist.  Since then, I became full time through the law firm itself rather than the staffing agency that helped me find the position AND I was promoted as a legal secretary and am now doing twice the work I was before.  Law isn’t at all what I went to school for and it’s not exactly where I pictured myself, but I’m blessed with amazing coworkers who make me excited to go to work.  There are also days when I’m incredibly stressed out (there’s really no happy medium there- I’m either constantly busy or struggling to find work to do), but my coworkers are happy to listen to my concerns and usually help out in any way they can, which is always much appreciated.  All of this will make saying goodbye that much harder to do whenever I do get my dream job, or at least another job that will be a step in the right direction.
5. I rekindled old friendships and realized how important they are to me.  Childhood friends are forever.  Life gets in the way, and it’s tough to stay in contact/ to visit them sometimes, but they’ve seen you at your worst and your best and will always be there for you.  I was able to visit many old friends throughout the year to catch up with them.  I even walked around a quaint little town in West Virginia a few days ago for hours catching up with one of my best friends and just talking about life and how so much has happened this year.  Even though I don’t talk necessarily to them all day/every day, I know how much I mean to them and vice versa.

There are plenty of other great things that happened this year and plenty that I want to bring with me into 2016, but there’s one thing that I plan on leaving behind:

1. NEGATIVITY.  I wish I could explain why, but I have been overly negative over the past year, and I feel as though it has progressively gotten worse.  I’ve been negative about my career, certain people, money, my weight, and I’ve even been envious of other people’s lives.  However, we’re all in different places in our lives, and we all have things that are good and bad in them, so there’s no reason for me to compare myself to others.  My negativity about my career will just push me to strive toward my dream job even more. I will leave behind the people who I have negative feelings toward so as they don’t cloud my happiness.  Overall, my goal (and resolution, I suppose) is to be a better person.  I want to work on myself and become a better person in every aspect.  Though I didn’t have to wait for 2016 to start working on this, a new year is like a blank page in a notebook- you can start fresh and leave everything behind that you don’t want to include from the previous page(s).

I’m thankful to see another year, to see the ball drop on TV, to spend another night with the love of my life, and to have the best friends and family a girl could ask for.  Though there were a lot of bad/sad memories in 2015, I’m thankful for everything that happened because each event is shaping me into the person I am becoming.

With that being said, I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years, and I’ll post my resolutions next year (aka tomorrow)!  Happy (ALMOST) 2016!

 

Thankful Tuesday: The ability to travel

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”

I love to travel.  I’ve loved it ever since I was a kid.  From a very young age, my parents began taking me places such as my grandparents’ house in Pennsylvania (3 1/2 hour trip from my home) and my other grandparents’ house in Texas, all via a car.  I loved beautiful West Virginia (It’s called “Almost Heaven” and “West by God” for a reason), but I always liked the idea of seeing other places around the world.  It’s too big to only stay in one place for your whole life.

It all started with road trippin down to good ole’ North Carolina with my best pal, Kotch.  Her real name is Melissa, but her last name is German and everyone always mispronounces it so I call her by the mispronunciation.  But anyway, we either started this tradition the summer before our freshman year of college or the summer before our sophomore year of college.  Unfortunately I have a terrible memory, but I’m sure she’ll correct me soon enough (aka when she reads this post and most likely makes a comment on it or just to me in a text).  My senior year of high school, Kotch and I became best pals/worst enemies and as that happened, her love for Duke basketball rubbed off on me and now I’m a huge Duke fan because of her.  Through the Duke fandom, we met two wonderful people named Alavia and Haley who became great friends of ours and who both happened to go to the same school/live closely to each other in North Carolina (at least during the school year).  We wanted to visit not only them but Duke itself to actually see it in person.  To convince my parents to let me drive us down (they were just paranoid something was going to happen to us on a 6 hour journey down to NC), we put together a ridiculous PowerPoint (don’t get me wrong, at the time it was awesome but we were weird kids lemme tell ya) and then before we knew it we were headed to the beautiful Raleigh/Durham/Cary area.  For the first few times we went on our road trips, we stayed in cheap hotels (but hey, anything works on a budget as long as we had a safe and comfy place to sleep..plus we’re poor) until Alavia offered us her guest bedroom in her house, so that’s where we tend to stay whenever we go now.

But basically, all of those road trips we take/have taken to North Carolina result in a few things: Watching scary movies (because Melissa is the worst and hates Alavia and I), visiting Duke’s campus (and sometimes meeting Duke players and getting their autographs/getting them to follow us on twitter–I’ll write about this more in detail in another post!), Eating Cook Out, and laughing obnoxiously over the most random things until at least 1 in the morning.  Basically our road trips down to North Carolina either once or twice a year are some of the best times of my life, and I’m appreciative of having such great friends to share those experiences with (including Kotch who somehow keeps me sane while driving for hours upon hours. Shout out to you, pal!)

(From left to right: Alavia, Haley, Kotch and myself at K-ville at Duke right outside of Cameron Indoor Stadium)

Besides North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Texas, I never got the chance to travel somewhere else until my sophomore year when I traveled to the ever beautiful San Francisco.  The song doesn’t lie- I definitely left my heart there.  I went there on a conference with one of my sorority sisters for a conference for PRSSA, of which we were both members (she was the president and I was the vice-president).  Besides attending conferences all day, we familiarized ourselves with the area our conference was in, along with a path to somehow make it to a trolley stop in order to make it to the bay.  From the moment I saw her aunt’s house where we were staying, however, I knew that I could live and work in San Francisco and be completely okay with it.  Her aunt lived in the suburbs of San Fran that had cute little running paths all throughout it that were perfect to run on during sunset.  The whole experience was phenomenal.  The only thing I wish we could’ve done was see the Golden Gate Bridge up close, but we still saw it from the Fisherman’s Wharf.

I also wanted to go on a cross-country road trip during one of my summers before I graduated college, but I didn’t have the funds for it.  But luckily, because of college, I finally got the opportunity to go to two more places I’ve always been itching to travel to:  London (because it’s my favorite city in the world and because of Harry Potter) and Germany (because I took it as a second language from high school and into college, where I achieved a minor in it).  Last year over Spring Break I went to London with History Club, while the Spring Break prior to that I went to Germany.  Both experiences were amazing in their own ways.  The people I spent those trips with and the memories we made while venturing in foreign lands are some that I’ll never forget.  Because this post is already so long, I’ll cover each trip separately over the next two weeks on Thankful Tuesday, but for a teaser, I’ll upload one picture I took from each place until you get to read my blogs about them.  I’m sure you’ll be able to tell them apart.

Until I post about one of the places above next week, just know that I’m fortunate to have the ability to travel.  I know that many people come across the opportunities but can’t jump on them for a variety of reasons, so I’m very thankful for having parents who want to see me travel since they had the opportunity to do so when they were young as well and helped me to live out my dreams by helping me fund my trips to go to both London and Germany.

Thankful Tuesday: My Parents

I’ve always been thankful for my parents.  However, a couple of recent events in the lives of people who I’m close to realized how truly lucky I really am.  My parents are not even close to being perfect.  They’ve made their fair share of mistakes, just like every other parent and person on this Earth.  But they’ve done plenty of things for me and my siblings that I’m realizing not every other parent in this world does.  And for these reasons, I’m extremely thankful.

1. Paid my way through college:  I graduated almost a year ago from a small, private, liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere, West Virginia.  I was accepted into two out of three of the schools where I applied, and this private college was more pricey than the other one that I was accepted into.  My parents told me to not let the prices affect my decision and that I should go wherever I wanted to and we would figure out the financial decisions after.  One specific college offered me a $9,000 merit scholarship each year, on top of several other grants and another in state scholarship special to West Virginia.  Those lowered the cost of tuition by more than half, so we covered the last half with loans and some help from my parents.  Now my parents didn’t have to help me pay for school, but they did, even on top of paying for my sister’s loans that they took out to help pay.  During school, I met many people who didn’t have the luxury of having any help from their parents, or just a slim amount, and that’s when I realized I’m so lucky to have parents who are willing to help out as much as they possibly can.
2. My dad took out his retirement money to help me: Continuing on with the topic of money, my mom quit her job the summer before my senior year at college.  She was mistreated and overworked, and the job was practically killing her anyway, so it’s both a good and bad thing that she’s not working there any longer.  She didn’t have a job lined up when she quit, nor did she ever find one, so that made it tough on my dad who made twice as less than my mom made.  She was the breadwinner of the family, and my dad had to somehow figure out how to support our family on barely a $30,000-$40,000 income.  Before my final semester at my college, we received a letter about how much money I owed the school, and how I would need to pay it before I was allowed to start my spring semester classes.  I freaked out.  I didn’t want money to be the reason I couldn’t finish college, especially when I only had a semester left.  We thought there was something we could do with financial aid, since my situation had changed (aka my mom losing her job when she was the breadwinner of the family and my dad somehow trying to figure out how to pay my tuition on top of paying the bills and buying food in order to survive), but since we had already turned in the financial aid application, there was nothing they could do.  We even tried to get my dad’s dad to cosign on a loan with me, but that fell through as well because he wouldn’t sign anything electronically and that was the only way it would work.  My dad, being as selfless and amazing as he is, decided to take out his retirement money to pay off my final semester.  He didn’t have to, but he did, because he wanted me to be able to pursue my dreams, which unfortunately can only be done with a college degree nowadays.  I don’t know many other people who would give up their retirement money just to help out their kid, but I’m so fortunate for my dad to do that for me so I could continue on working toward my dreams.
3. They’re always there for me: I know several people who can’t count on their parents for anything, and I’m lucky to have ones that will always have my back.  There was a time in December when I lost faith in ever finding a job.  I was beginning to think that I would be stuck at a catering company/part-time job for the rest of my life, barely making enough money to pay my loans, let alone bills that I still haven’t taken on (but will need to once I start making a set salary at my new job).  I called my parents hysterically crying, ranting about everything that was setting me back from my dreams, and my dad just kept telling me that these were little roadblocks and that things would start looking up if I just stayed positive.  He explained that it’s difficult to stay positive in these times, especially because he knows that I need the money and they can’t do anything to help since they’re barely scraping by, but eventually something would come around and I’d be right back up on my feet again.  He also said that taking a full-time job that wasn’t in my field isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  It’ll give me experience and more money to live comfortably.  I can also keep looking for my dream job while I work at a full-time job so I don’t give up on my dreams.  He explained that I’m only 22, so just because I’m not where I want to be yet doesn’t mean I won’t get there and that I still have the rest of my life ahead of me.  All of this was difficult to understand because he ended up getting stuck at a job where he still is after 25 years and he hates it, but he told me that as long as I keep pushing toward my dreams, I’ll get there.  I wouldn’t have calmed down without his advice, and I wouldn’t have taken a job at a law firm without it, either, because I would still be close-minded to jobs only in my field.  It might take me a while to get to my dream job, but at least I’ll be making money in the process of getting there.  But anyway, I know that whenever I need to talk to my parents, they’ll always be there to listen to me and I’m very thankful for that.
4. They’re helping me move:  Basically, I moved up to Pennsylvania a while ago, but I didn’t want to change my address and everything until I got a full-time job in the state.  Because I have that full-time job now, I need to change my address, get a new ID, get my license plate changed, get my car inspected, etc. etc. etc.  I never realized how much of a pain it was to move, and now I’m slowly realizing that it’s a lot of work.  In order to get my car inspected, I have to get new tires because they’re so dull that they wouldn’t pass inspection.  My parents are in the process of selling their house and in order to close on that house but until it closes, they have still been paying the mortgage.  They offered after it closes and they get some money, they would be willing to help pay for any fees I may encounter while switching everything over and also to help pay for new tires.  I have some friends whose parents leave them up to figure everything out on their own, so I’m especially thankful that my parents still offer to help until I start making a good salary so I can pay for everything on my own.

There are plenty of other reasons why I’m thankful for my parents, but these are the big ones that are currently prevalent in my life.  I hope that anyone who reads this will appreciate their parents for everything that they’ve done for you.  And if your parents haven’t done anything for you, I hope that you’re thankful for someone in your life who has at least helped you find your footing to get set on the right path.