Thirty, Flirty and Thriving

Hello, followers! It has been some time since I last wrote, and I PROMISE I am not going to make a lack of writing/updating you a habit.

Many things have happened since I last wrote, including buying a new house and moving to a different city, growing our family by two (twin girls born 2021!), and celebrating the start of my third decade of life. Let me tell you- it has truly been a wild ride lately, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But before I get into the nitty gritty of life and how things have changed over the last few years, I really want to dive into one thing first- my 30th birthday.

I feel like it was just yesterday I was celebrating other age-related milestones, like scoring my driver’s license at sixteen, starting college at seventeen, being able to legally drink at twenty-one, and lower car insurance at twenty-five. But now, suddenly, I’m no longer in my twenties. I’m a thirty-year-old woman.

I think it’s going to be a time for adventure and love and all wonderful things.

But thirty is just as huge of a milestone, I think. I’m more financially secure, I’ve put down roots in the northeast, and I’ve started a family. Although many of us mourn our youth (and I’m sure I’ll be no exception- especially with all these new aches and pains I’m experiencing on a daily basis), I think thirty is where our life really begins. More trips and adventures, more vacations, more new experiences that we may not have been able to experience before due to lack of funds, and more time to make memories with friends and family. I’m truly looking forward to everything that thirty will bring. As I said to one of my nearest and dearest friends recently, I think it’s going to be a time for adventure and love and all wonderful things.

I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on being thirty as the year goes on (I’ve only been thirty for a week, after all), but if you read this far and you still follow my blog after all this time of inactivity, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate you reading my thoughts.

Until next time,

Emily (Now thirty, flirty and thriving)

Long Time, No See

Hey everyone!  It has been a while.  2019 has been a crazy year so far for me.  I can’t believe we’re already into the second week of October!

Notable things that have happened thus far: I’ve attended 6 different weddings so far and I still have 2 more before the end of the year.  I’m less than 2 weeks away from running another half-marathon.  We painted/rearranged our living room in one weekend as well as painted 2 bathrooms.  I’ve been working a part-time job 3 days a week since April.  Lastly, I finished my first draft of my book!

Writing is hard.  But writing a novel- that’s an entirely different level of hard.  Trying to remember every little detail and creating good flow is harder than I could have ever imagined.  Not that I didn’t already respect authors, but I have a hell of a lot more respect for them now and how much time and effort it takes into finishing up a novel.

I finished my first draft at the end of August at about 61K words and was over the moon! My friend/cousin-in-law Tessa warned me that my first draft would be terrible- in fact, most first drafts are pretty terrible.  I also saw things like that on Pinterest but I never believed that completely.  Boy, did I learn a hard lesson!

I took about 2 weeks or so away from my book once I finished and focused more of my attention on running and freelance writing.  But when I reread it for the first time a few weeks later, I realized how terrible it actually was!

There were plot holes and continuity errors and other details that I hadn’t quite worked out yet that made the story structure so awkward!  Not to mention entirely too much dialogue- some of which I literally had to skim through because it was extremely cheesy.

So I reread it a second time, this time making notes of things that I knew I needed to fix, and I came up with about 8 pages of notes!  Yikes!

I remember feeling immeasurably overwhelmed after writing those notes.  I mean, where would I even start?  How would I check everything off on my lists?  What part would I focus on first?

Well, I’m happy to say that, at least for me, I fell into a sort of rhythm and figured out how I needed to approach my first revision.

I’ve only been editing for a few weeks now, but I’m really just trying to embrace the whole process.  It’s absolutely daunting, but I’m feeling very motivated to get this book squared away.  I started writing this nearly three or so years ago and only got back to it last December, so it’s time this story is told.  I’m only into Chapter 2 right now so I still have a long road to go, but I’m looking forward to finishing it and sharing it with the world.

With that being said, I’m trying to start blogging more often from here on out (at least once a week- hopefully two), so you’ll likely see much more of me from here on out.  I hope you’re looking forward to it as much as I am!

Until next time,

Emily

P.S.- Are you a writer?  If so, I’d love to hear any tips/tricks you have up your sleeve!

 

Photo by Karen Lau on Unsplash

Little Victories

Hey everyone!  It has been quite some time since I’ve written anything on this blog of mine.  I hope all is well with you!  If you’re still following me- thank you!

These past few months have been a whirlwind.  Between going through months of physical therapy for my hip and our dog running away from his sitter while my husband and I were on our anniversary trip, things have been nothing short of crazy.

But despite all that, I’m still celebrating little victories.

1. I’m able to run again!  Thanks to about four months of PT for my hip, I can now run on my own again.  My hip was so bad that I would wake up in the middle of the night in pain.  Now that it’s feeling better, I do think I’m a little over-eager.  I really want to run a half before the end of the year, but I really don’t think my hip can handle that at this point.  But I’ve been able to run up to 2 miles so far again so I’m definitely on the right track.  My next step is to be able to run a 5K or two before the end of the year.  Possibly even a 10K.  We’ll see how the hip does!
2. I celebrated my one-year wedding anniversary!  Granted, it was spent driving down to Myrtle Beach, but we left early enough that we could still enjoy the pool and great food once we made it there safely!  It was also so much fun trying to find which “paper” gift to get Kyle, albeit semi-difficult because my budget was only so high and there was so much I wanted to get him!  I ended up getting him a rare comic book and he got me a writing notebook and another writing journal that we can both fill out about our relationship/marriage.  But seriously, how has it been a year?  And PSA: one-year-old wedding cake is terrible!
3. We got our dog back!  This is another whole (terrible) adventure in itself.  In summary, I had never been so tired and had never felt so hopeless than I did during the ten days he was gone.  What was worse is that we were on day four of our anniversary trip when we found out Oakley got loose.  But I learned not to give up hope AND to enjoy the little things, even if that means not getting frustrated when Oakley wakes us up at ungodly hours to go outside.  I truly hope that none of you will ever experience anything like that because it was terrible and heartbreaking and the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.
4. I’m writing again.  Okay, so I haven’t been writing on here, but I HAVE been writing and that’s clearly an improvement.  I’ve come down with the inspiration bug over the last few weeks and I even have a few ideas in the works for short stories that I plan on submitting to competitions.  We’ll see what happens with those, but I’m very excited about the ideas!
5. I’m a preferred writer.  As of today, I became a “preferred writer” for one of the client’s on the site BlogMutt who I freelance write for, and they gave me five stars on the article I wrote for them.  I honestly couldn’t be more thrilled!  This is just a small victory in terms of my writing career, but all the little victories will lead me in the right direction!

What small victories are you celebrating today?  Let me know in the comments below!

My Calling

Hey everyone!  I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you who showed a little love to my last post.  I also wanted to give a shout out to my new followers.  Thanks for following and I hope you continue to enjoy my posts! Any constructive criticism and/or feedback that you have is obviously welcomed.

Also, before I get into “my calling,” please don’t be afraid to reach out and share your story.  If you can relate in any way to my posts, I’d love to hear about it and discuss it over a virtual cup of coffee!  Leave a comment on the specific post you like and I’ll be happy to respond!

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Have you ever had the feeling like you were meant to do something specific with your life?  That when you talk about anything else, it just fails in comparison?

That’s how I feel about writing.  I was talking with a friend today, and our conversation randomly took a turn toward writing.  She asked if it was true that I’m writing a book.  I momentarily paused- I wasn’t sure how she could know this because I hadn’t told her.  Come to think of it, I never even asked her how she found that out.  Regardless, after my pause, I ended up talking about writing with her for easily fifteen minutes.

Throughout this conversation, I had the overwhelming feeling of happiness that you experience when you start talking about something that you’re passionate about.  Suddenly I was smiling non-stop, I was super over talkative, my eyes were lit with excitement and I basically gushed about how much I love writing in that fifteen-minute timeframe.

And with that being said, I am in the middle of writing a book.  This book is something that I’ve been attempting to write for three years.  In these three years, I’ve felt frustrated, discouraged, hopeless, and definitely uninspired.  Nothing was clicking.  I had [what I felt was] a great idea, but the words just wouldn’t flow from my head to my paper.  In fact, I couldn’t write much of anything, nor did I really feel inspired to do so.

But I think this is finally changing.  I believe I felt uninspired because this story is so personal to me and I was afraid- afraid to write and get it wrong, afraid that the finished product won’t be good enough, afraid that no one will read, afraid that no one will relate.

But I can’t let fear stop me from pursuing my dreams.

I finally came to this realization recently.  And upon realizing this, I also came to the conclusion that the reason I’ve had writer’s block for any other fleeting idea that passes through my mind on a daily basis is that this book is the story that I have to write first.  It will forever be on the back of my mind until it is written, until it is completed and until it is shared with the world.

I’ve only written a complete outline of major plot points, among a few scenes that will obviously need reworked, at this point.  However, in addition to writing, I’ve been reading for inspiration and researching for guidance.  I’m reading about life and loss and family and relationships.  I’m reading more books that inspire me- even if that means rereading them for the twelfth time (lookin’ at you, Harry Potter).  I’m reading more blogs, especially those about writing (thanks, Pinterest!).  I’m doing my research on the more technical aspect of writing a novel, including how important an opening line is and how to incorporate, but not overshadow, certain aspects of the novel.

All of this research and writing and blogging has me feeling like myself again.  I feel like I was a little lost for a while, but I’m truly finding my way back home now.  And I couldn’t be happier because I know that writing is my calling.  I’ve known since I was seven years old and I wrote my first story.  I’ve known since I focused on journalism in high school.  I’ve known since I majored in communications/digital media and journalism in college.

Writing is my passion, hands down.  I told my friend today that if I had the opportunity to choose what I’d do all day long, it would be writing (or reading) in some form.  It wouldn’t matter whether the writing was blogging, writing creatively, or even freelance writing in a more journalistic form, just so long as I was writing.

I can’t tell you when I’ll actually finish the book.  But the fact that I’m writing again is a positive sign and it’s truly making me so excited for the future!

Now that I’ve finished blabbing, what’s one thing that you love to do that you feel you were meant to do in this life?  What is your calling?  I’d love to hear about it!  Also, have you ever had terrible bouts of writer’s block?  If so, what inspires you/what brings you out of your writer’s block?  Leave me a comment in the section below and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Until next time,

Em

October: National Book Month

As you may know, October is National Book Month and everywhere bookworms are rejoicing!  Reading is one of my absolute favorite pastimes, not only because I get to immerse myself into another world to get away from real-world problems for a little while, but also because it’s relaxing (well, for the most part- I suppose it depends on what book I’m reading!).  In honor of National Book Month, I’d like to share with you what I’ve been reading so far this month.

Back in September, I started reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  I never finished it.  Never in my life have I stopped reading a book because I disliked it until now.  Okay, you caught me- with the exception of required novels during school, I have never stopped reading a book because I disliked it.  After a few weeks hiatus, I decided to give it another go.  I had only heard good things from people I know who have read it, so I really wanted to give it another chance, but I just couldn’t get past the strange first-person narrative with abnormally long paragraphs that held conversations within them rather than in separate paragraphs.

Maybe that’s because that’s what I’m used to when I read books- conversations being broken up into separate paragraphs for each person talking.  However, I realize that there is no “correct” way to write and that rules are meant to be broken when writing.  Even so, I placed the book back on my shelf last week for good.

I have been entranced with reading lately, however.  So late last week, after I set Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close aside, I decided to pick up an old book and visit some old friends.

Perhaps my desire to reread the Harry Potter series was due to the cool fall air (finally!) infiltrating the east coast.  Maybe it was because of the incessant previews for Freeform’s (many) Harry Potter weekends playing relentlessly on the TV.  Or, simply enough, perhaps it was because it has been several years since I’ve reread them in their entirety.  Regardless of the reason, I’m ecstatic about my decision to restart this journey.

I finished the Sorcerer’s Stone in just under six and a half hours, which must have been a personal record.  I believe it would have taken me less time if I didn’t have a full-time job and several other distractions (or responsibilities) that had to be completed prior to my reading binges.

Kyle came home from work Friday afternoon/early evening and could hardly believe I was on the last few pages of The Sorcerer’s Stone.  “How?!” he asked, astonished that I had somehow found the time to finish the book so quickly.  Without even asking, he went into our bedroom and grabbed The Chamber of Secrets from our bookshelf and laid it on the end table beside the couch where I was sitting at the time.  He just knew that I’d want to start the next book as soon as I was finished the first.  That, my friends, is true love.

Anyway, I started reading the Chamber of Secrets on Friday and I’m still currently reading it.  Not because I’m not interested in it or because it’s taking a long time to read- Kyle and I were just incredibly busy over the weekend so I had limited time to read.  But I’m truly enjoying every page of the series thus far and I’m loving it even more now than the first few times I read it.

Harry Potter holds a special place in my heart, and it remains high on my list of books that I love.  Rowling’s series is the first series that I can remember that truly inspired me to write.  Whether it was HP-related fan-fiction, online roleplaying (Neopets, anyone?) or even an original story of my own, I was writing almost every day when I was younger because I was so inspired.  I wanted to create a world as mystifying, extraordinary and magical (pun intended) as Rowling created.  It’s still my dream today.

I’ve realized over the past few weeks that maybe the reason I’m having difficulty writing anything of substance lately (creative writing, that is) is because I’ve been lacking inspiration.  I have been told that in times of severe writer’s block, I should revisit a favorite book’s world and find the reason why I wanted to write my own story in the first place.  Then, I should explore new worlds in the same genre that I’d like to write about and write down what makes them good and what makes me love them.  I’m currently on the first part of that with Harry Potter being my first stop.  I’m excited to see what happens while on this ride and what potential stories come out of it.

Now that you know what inspired me to begin writing and what I’m currently reading, I’d love to know what you’re currently reading (or rereading) and what’s on your list of books to read prior to year’s end.  Also, if there are any writers/authors out there, let me know what books truly captivated you and inspired you to write.  I’d love to discuss this with you and add to my list of books to read- and perhaps they’ll inspire me, too!

Until next time,

Emily

P.S.  If any of you are interested in my re-read of Harry Potter, check out the hashtag #EmilyrereadsHP on Twitter!

 

31 Fun Activities To Do This October

Can you guys believe we’re already 5 days into October?  Where has the time gone?!  This year is definitely flying by.  To make the most out of your free time this month, I’ve created a list of all fall-themed activities you can do (almost) anywhere in the country!

1. Visit a pumpkin patch.
2. Have a Halloween movie marathon.
3. Write a scary story.
4. Visit a haunted house.      
5. Carve pumpkins.
6. Go trick-or-treating or hand out Halloween candy.
7. Have a sleepover with friends and tell scary stories.
8. Go hiking.                                                      
9. Visit a state known for beautiful fall foliage.
10. Bake pumpkin pies.
11. Bake apple pies.
12. Go on a hayride.                                                               
13. Decorate for Fall.
14. Craft a fall wreath.
15. Go to a football game.                        
16. Jump in leaves.
17. Toast pumpkin seeds.
18. Go to a bonfire.
19. Make S’mores.              
20. Go to a corn maze.
21. Go to a fall festival.
22. Watch Hocus Pocus.
23. Burn a fall scented candle.
24. Buy a warm sweater.
25. Eat Chili.
26. Drink hot cocoa on a chilly night.                      
27. Read a book.
28. Get fall photographs taken.
29. Go apple picking.
30. Host or go to a Halloween party. 
31. Visit a cabin for a weekend getaway.

What is your favorite fall activity?  Is it on my list?  Let me know in the comments below!

Emily

Consistency is Key

I turned twenty-five on the 15th of this month, and with my birthday came feelings of discouragement, hopelessness, and fear. Over the past eleven days, I came to the realization that I brought these feelings upon myself. That was a hard realization to come to, but one I had to come to nonetheless. All of these feelings came from the realization that I’m the reason that I’m not where I want to be in terms of my professional life.

I graduated college truly naive in believing that even in the tough market I’d land my dream writing job within a few months. I also assumed that, by the time I turned twenty-five, I’d be living comfortably and doing what I love most: writing. Fast forward to, well, today and I’m a part-time freelance writer with a full-time job as a legal assistant.

Granted, I do enjoy my job at the law firm I’ve been working at since March. I work with great people and I feel like I’m making a positive impact on our clients’ lives. However, in college, I believed that by this point, I’d be doing nothing but writing and editing and making a steady income from it. Unfortunately, that’s just not the case.

I have admitted to myself that this is my fault. I cannot put the blame on anyone or anything else except me. To be frank, I have been slacking. I haven’t been giving writing the time or attention it deserves, which is terrible for something I love so dearly. Why would I give my time and attention to running, which I love, but not to writing, another activity that I also love and actually want to build my future on?

Going forward, I will be working hard on blogging differently. I have always known that consistency is the key to success in many different aspects of life- relationships, job searching, health and fitness, etc. Consistency in writing is also crucial to success, and I have failed thus far. My blog has been neglected (its inconsistency unmistakable), and I’m writing this purposefully in hopes that this post will hold me accountable. If I want a life filled with writing, I need to write more often.

I have high hopes that an editorial writing calendar will help accomplish this feat, and I have already started working on one for next month. Stay tuned, my friends (well, the ones who haven’t given up on my reading quite yet), for a content-filled October. I value your readership, and I hope that you have stuck by me and continue to stick by me as I continue doing what I’m most passionate about.

Until next time,

Emily

 

Writing Prompt Wednesday: Perspective at a Funeral

**Disclaimer: This is a writing prompt I found off of Pinterest.  This is all original work, so please do not alter or copy any of the details included.  Thanks!

I never thought I’d be dead at the age of 23.  I guess that’s what texting and driving gets you.  My guess is I look pretty bad considering I’m in a closed coffin.

I looked to my left at what my hand was touching.  Someone must have seen me at some point because my older sister’s college graduation photo is beside me.  And beautiful flowers are lying to my right.  Lilies.  White lilies, my absolute favorite.  I wonder who gave me these?  It’s nice of them to put me six feet under with my favorite flowers to keep me company.

Wait, what was I texting about anyway?  What was so important that I couldn’t wait?  What was so important that it landed me here, in my very own coffin?  My eyes diverted to the top of the coffin and I realized- James.  A picture of James was taped to the top of my coffin immediately in my eyesight.  I was texting James, letting him know I was five minutes from the flower shop and- oh no!!  I was only a few months away from getting married.  No, God no…poor James!  He must have waited for me for hours before realizing that I was never showing up- I can’t believe I did this to him.

I heard a sniffle immediately outside my coffin as a voice drenched in sadness whispered into the dark walnut, “I will always love you.”  It was James.

“I love you too, James, and I’m so sorry!  Please forgive me!”  No matter how much I yelled or screamed, he was never going to hear me.  I wanted nothing more than to hold him, but no matter how much I wanted that to be true, I was never going to be able to hold him again.

It was then that I looked down at my clothing and saw they (James, my parents, Hallie?) had buried me in my wedding dress…the one that I wasn’t supposed to wear for another two months.

“Casey,” a gentle voice outside my coffin said.  “Why did you have to do this?  James needed you, your father needed you, I needed you?  Why couldn’t you just wait five more minutes?”  My heart shattered- well, figuratively, because I’m not even sure I have a heart anymore, and if I do, it sure as hell isn’t working.

It was my mom’s voice I was hearing now.  Her small, disappointed and heartbroken speech was interrupted by hysterical crying.  It’s my assumption that my dad came and got her and took her to her seat.

My assumption was confirmed as only a few minutes (were they minutes? hours?) later, I heard a rough, deep voice talking to me.

“Casey, what were you thinking?  Why couldn’t you just wait?  Your mom- well she’s drinking again and your sister won’t even return our calls.  She’s too upset to even-.  You were only-well, James is a mess.  I’ve never seen him look more thin.  I don’t think he’ll ever love- well, I love you, Case…Heaven better be good to you.”

Heaven.  Wait.  Why wasn’t I in heaven?  Did I do something wrong?  Did I sin too often and not ask for forgiveness enough?  Why am I still here?

Minutes passed as I heard voices I could barely recognize, voices of my best friends, and those of people I had fallings out with, talking to me about how they’ll miss me, how I impacted their lives, how sorry they were that we had fallen apart.

Now the preacher was going on how it was my time, how God had a plan for me, and that no one should worry as I was in God’s kingdom now.  Little do they know that I’m here, trapped in this box, listening to every word they say.

After an hour (or was it minutes?) of the preacher talking, the crowd singing hymnals and speeches of those individuals closest to me (except James who I can only assume is so heartbroken he couldn’t bear to talk to me), I felt the coffin lift up.  I must be getting carried to the neighboring cemetery.  I guess it’s time for them to lower me into the ground.

James decided to speak at the cemetery.  He went on about how I was his better half and how I truly cared about the people in my life and how I always made him laugh and how I was his soulmate….and lastly, how broken-hearted he was because I will never share his last name.  A dream cut short by merely two months.

It was truly beautiful.  I wish I could cry.

I guess the speeches are over because an obnoxious hum filled my ears, one that could only be the machine that the church has to lower the deceased six feet under.

Suddenly, I heard a feint “Wait!  Wait!  Don’t lower her yet!” off in the distance, somehow over the loud machine that had begun lowering me into my final physical resting place.

The yells got louder and finally the machine turned off.  My sister’s voice was clear to me now.  Hallie- she came!  After everything- our constant bickering, her silent treatment of mom and dad, her never having the chance to stand next to me on my wedding day as my Maid of Honor.

And it was then that I realized I was waiting for closure from her- my best friend and oldest confidant, Hallie- before I could make way to Heaven.  She was the person who had been missing, since I heard from everyone else.

She said a few words on her journey to even get to the cemetery (losing her keys, missing the turn, traffic- ironically caused by a car accident)  but also how she couldn’t let me go before saying goodbye.

“Goodbye, Casey,” she said as I heard dirt fall onto my coffin.

“Goodbye, Hallie,” I wanted to whisper but nothing came out.  Instead, the coffin disappeared and everything went silent.  Finally, I saw a light in front of me with hundreds of individuals ushering me towards them.

I walked into the white light and was greeted and embraced by deceased grandparents and those family members I never had a chance to meet.

I was home.

Starting a New Chapter

The trouble is, you think you have time.” – Buddha

A few weeks ago on a lonely Friday night I spent by myself in mine and my fiance’s apartment (readers-we have a lot of catching up to do!), I was suddenly inspired to start writing on this blog again and telling the story of what happened to my grandma.  Only a few days ago did I realize that it’s not necessarily what happened to her that matters with regard to my lack of writing (nor is it anything that you necessarily want to hear- there were some pretty gruesome aspects); it’s what she meant to me and how that turned into inspiration for writing.

My grandma passed away on April 4, 2015.  If you look at when my last post was published, it was only a week or so prior to that date, and in short that explains my lack of writing, and I do apologize for my absence since that time.

At that time, I was temporarily staying with my fiance’s (at this time he was still my boyfriend) Aunt and his grandma (which is a long story in itself of how we got to living there), and it was so nice because it felt like even if I wasn’t around my grandma as much as I would like, I still had Grandma Vera to help me along, although she wasn’t in the best of conditions, either.  It was so nice to have a grandma figure around, who could give wise advice and tell stories of when she was young.

We had been living there for less than two months when I got the phone call late Saturday night that awoke me from my place on the couch.  The world was suddenly less beautiful when I realized my Grandma was no longer around.  If I had been by myself at that time that I got the call, I don’t know what I would have done, and I am so so thankful that Daria and Grandma Vera were in the house (and shortly thereafter, Kyle).  My grandma was my world, and it kills me that she might not have known that.  Not only was she my world, but she was my inspiration.

I remember visiting her in the hospital with my aunt and uncle and even my Sunday School teacher from when I went to church with my grandparents twice a week during my summers growing up.  I had woken up early that Friday morning and drove three and a half hours just to see her, and even if I didn’t want to admit it at that time, I knew it would be the last time I’d see her in her body on this Earth.  After spending a few hours there, my aunt and uncle left the room so I could say everything that I wanted and needed to at that moment- just between the two of us.

I remember seeing her with a breathing tube from her mouth and her muscles twitching, but I knew she wasn’t there, and I knew she hadn’t been in her body for a few days.  I remember holding her hand and wishing she would just open her eyes, just like she did the Sunday prior when I woke her up from her nap on her notorious recliner.  But I knew this time she wasn’t going to open her eyes, no matter how much I wished for that to happen.

I remember saying how much I loved her, how much I needed her here, and how much everyone else needed her, especially my mom who was still heartbroken after losing both my uncle and my grandpa so close together.

People have often told me that I was her favorite, even out of her own children.  I spent every summer with her and my grandpa and she and I would always go to bingo, get our hair done together, go to the mall, go to the park, etc.  You name it, we probably did it.  With us being so close, everyone secretly hoped that once I came into the room and said hello and told her I missed her and loved her and needed her, she would open her eyes.  A part of me feels like I let them down when that didn’t happen.  But I think the reason she didn’t open her eyes again was because of what I had to tell her- the one thing she needed to hear, and how she needed to hear it from me.  At first I joked with her and told her she couldn’t leave until I started working for a newspaper in Pittsburgh so I could get her inside the Steelers locker room.  That had always been the joke between us- but I had every intention on making it happen.

But then I did the bravest thing I think I’ve ever done thus far in my lifetime.  While I stood there beside her, holding her clammy hand with one hand and pushing her matted hair back with my other, I said the one thing that needed to be said; the one thing that I think she needed to hear.  I told her I was selfish for wanting her to stay, because she wasn’t really living.  I told her that she was in so much pain, and she would continue to be for as long as she held on.  Then I told her that my Pappy, her sweetheart who she had been married to for sixty wonderful years, needed her too, probably more than we needed her here.  And that my uncle Rick, one of the sweetest and kindest men to walk this Earth, the youngest of her children, needed his mom.

The truth is, my grandma started going downhill when she lost her baby- my uncle was only 50 when he passed.  My grandpa passed in October of 2013, about a year and half after my uncle, and my grandma continuously started getting worse.  I never really knew how bad she had gotten until a few days ago when I looked back at my Facebook messages between my mom, my siblings and me and I saw that she was in and out of the hospital an outrageous amount over the last year she was alive.  It was clear to me then that she hadn’t really been living for quite some time- simply going through life day by day, always in pain and her heart always aching.  I know now that she is in the best place she can be.

The past few months that I’ve been silent, I’ve been grieving.  After she passed (and a week after, sweet Grandma Vera passed as well), I just couldn’t find the words to write.  Everything was so overwhelming and it felt like I had no time to process it.  In those two weeks, I lost all of my inspiration, because one of the few people who kept me inspired had left this Earth.

I may still be sad that my best friend isn’t here anymore, but I knew she would want me to stop being so sad and work toward fulfilling my dreams.  I hope to do that with her help even though she isn’t here anymore.  My Grandma was always my number one fan when it came to writing (and being a journalist in general), and even though I know she was proud of me, I hope to make her even more proud by following my dreams.  Not only am I going to use this inspiration to write random thoughts about every day life on this blog (and hopefully create a career out of blogging/writing); I’m also going to use her inspiration to create a story in her, Grandma Vera’s, and my Grandma King’s memory.  Whether it takes me five, ten or twenty years to finish, I promise there will be a novel in bookstores across the country that on the very first page leaves a dedication to my Grandma Haase, Grandma Vera, and my sweet sweet Grandma King who passed years ago but that I don’t go a day without thinking about, either.

So here’s to starting a new chapter, here’s to doing what I love most without holding myself back any longer, and here’s to the women who have been/will be my biggest inspirations.